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29 January 2013 @ 11:38 am
So I've been having trouble sleeping for awhile now. Mostly issues with staying asleep. But, recently a new problem has cropped up. Almost every night for the past week or so I've been having terrible and vivid dreams. Most of them involve either everyone I know abandoning me, or choking and being unable to breath. I also had a nice one where my face began to peel off and I pulled off my own rotting scalp to wash it in the bathroom sink. Yummy.

So, needless to say, it's been awhile since I've had decent sleep. Although last night was the first night where I only woke up twice and immediately fell asleep again. I don't remember any dreams either and did not wake up feeling anxious. Now I am wondering why I've been having the sleeping issues. I have started limiting my caffeine intake due to it aggravating my anxiety problems, so I don't think that's it. There has been a problem with air quality in my city lately, so that could possibly be a factor. Could be stress too. Not sure. I guess I won't really know.

Back to caffeine now. I can still have it, I just have to stop myself at a certain amount. I don't think I could go cold turkey. I'm mean when I haven't had any. I suppose it's withdrawal.

I ran out of coffee a few days ago and had to make a trip to the store because the fits were kicking in. I looked for my favorite one, Eight O'clock Coffee's French Vanilla. I like it because I don't have to have flavored cream and it smells nice when I turn on the coffee maker in the morning. Unfortunately, they were out. Disappointed, I started looking for a different brand when I noticed the same brand offered a mocha flavored bag of grounds. It was the last package and all the coffee was pretty well stock except for the mocha and French vanilla, so I naturally assumed that it was popular because it tasted nice. I put it in my cart and bought it.

So,when I got home I put my groceries away and then went to start my coffee maker. I opened the bag of coffee and it smelled funny. Mind you, I love mocha, but I've never been a fan of the smell. I assumed that it would taste better than it smelled like mocha usually does for me. I scooped out the grounds and started my coffee maker. It started to smell better when it brewed. Once it finished I poured the coffee into my cup and added cream and sugar like I normally do. When I took a sip though I nearly gagged. I was strong an had a distinctly burnt tasted. I check the date on the bag and it wasn't expired, so I was relieved. I remade the coffee with less grounds, but then it tasted weak and still had a burnt taste. I supposed there was a mistake in the factory or something. All I know it that I decided to switch to tea instead.

I won't be buying mocha coffee for awhile. Ha ha. XD
My mood: draineddrained
23 January 2013 @ 11:57 am
I realize I haven't updated since around May last year. Things have been crazy. I rarely even had time for myself. My life kind of became work for awhile. Oh, and some family issues exploded. I also finally got that job at the hospital I had been fighting for for years and said goodbye to the two I had been working at the same time, so that freed up my schedule (FINALLY).

My surgery went well. I still have craters in my mouth, but after a recent dentist appointment I was informed it could take up to a year to completely heal. Seriously wish they had told me sooner because I thought something had gone wrong. Still, it's so nice not to be in pain anymore.

The job I got is a very good one. It's not the highest paying job, but it IS the highest paying one I've ever had. Oh, AND full time.I don't even have to work on weekends and holidays anymore. I also work in the evenings, so I can stay up late and sleep in in the morning. It could potentially mean that I might, just might, have time to finally start college classes this year, or at the very least next spring. Well, we'll see I guess.

Also, unfortunately, some not so great things happened. My grandmother, who helped raise me, has terminal cancer. I took a trip to the D.C. area and stayed with her during the holiday. She has about five months to a year left to live. It took almost all the money I had to see her, but I am glad I went. It may very well be the last time I see her alive. I surprised her. I told my family to not let her know I was coming. She was happy. I kept a smile on my face the whole time, even though all I wanted to do was cry (I often don't get moved to tears, but it was hard this time to not give in). I wanted my grandma's memory of me to be a happy one.

So, that's 2012 in a bottle. I apologize for dropping of the face of the Earth so often. Sometimes life just end up that way.
18 February 2012 @ 12:24 pm
This must be a sign that global warming is a serious issue. I don't know how it is outside my home country (aside from hearing about a huge winter freeze in Europe), but it seems like nature can't decide if it wants it to be spring, or winter. Technically, it IS winter, but it has been a lot more mild than any winter I have ever seen. For a little while I thought it was just Georgia, but then my grandmother in Virginia told me it's been warm there too. Even Iowa, while still very cold, has had much warmer weather than usual. To top it of, in the southern states it keeps flip flopping between days where the highs are in the 70s, and quite literally the next day it will stay in the forties. It's insane and making everyone get sick (a stomach bug is going around and I am TERRIFIED that I will be the next victim).

There has also been a trend going on for several years around where I live. There has been a drought for a few years now. We haven't been getting nearly enough rain. The nearby river and lake have been below their normal levels for a long time now. Though, at the very least we don't seem to be having any water restrictions being enforced yet. Still, it is worrying. Unusual weather patterns, lack of rain, low water levels...It's not pleasant to think about. No one talks about it much, but occasionally I hear people whispering about it. People know something is up.

Like I said at the beginning of this entry, I really think that this is a sign of climate change. I don't know if humans are the cause, or if it's just part of our planet's natural climate cycle. I just hope that we don't get any serious freak weather, like EF-5 tornadoes or anything.
18 November 2011 @ 03:39 pm
Saw this on a friend's LJ. Read this. It's important!

Originally posted by nyxmidnight at Save the Internet. It's kind of a big deal.

PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

BoingBoing.Net -- The MPAA, RIAA, Hollywood knows that they have been flying in CEOs of as many companies as possible, recruiting people to get petition signups at malls in California, and here's the big point-- they know they have gotten their message through to Congress -- the worst bill in Internet history, the one where government and their corporations get unbelievable power to take down sites, threaten payment processors into stopping payment to sites on a blacklist, and throw people in jail for posting ordinary content is about to pass before the end of this year. The only thing that is going to stop Hollywood from owning the Internet and everything we do, is if there is a big surprise Internet backlash starting right now.

PROTECT IP (S. 968)/SOPA (HR. 3261) creates the first system for Internet censorship - this bill has sweeping provisions that give the government and corporations leeway and legal cover for taking down sites "by accident," mistakenly, or for NOT doing "enough" to protect the interests of Hollywood. These bills that are moving very quickly through Congress and can pass before Christmas aim to give the US government and corporations the ability to block sites over infringing links posted by their users and give ISPs the release to take any means to block peoples' sites, including slowing down your connection. That's right, some say this bill is a workaround to net neutrality and is bigger than net neutrality.

This is the worst piece of Internet legislation in history - the lawmakers who have been sponsoring (Leahy, Lamar Smith, Conyers) this bill need to be shamed by the Internet community for wasting taxpayer dollars on a bill that would break the very fabric of the Internet, create an Internet blacklist, kill jobs and great startup companies, huge blogs, and social networks.

How this affects you, personally:

EFF.org -- Let’s make one thing clear from the get-go: despite all the talk about this bill being directed only toward “rogue” foreign sites, there is no question that it targets US companies as well. The bill sets up a system to punish sites allegedly “dedicated to the theft of US property.” How do you get that label? Doesn’t take much: Some portion of your site (even a single page) must
  1. be directed toward the US, and either
  2. allegedly “engage in, enable or facilitate” infringement or
  3. allegedly be taking or have taken steps to “avoid confirming a high probability” of infringement.

If an IP rightsholder (vaguely defined – could be Justin Bieber worried about his publicity rights) thinks you meet the criteria and that it is in some way harmed, it can send a notice claiming as much to the payment processors (Visa, Mastercard, Paypal etc.) and ad services you rely on.

Once they get it, they have 5 days to choke off your financial support. Of course, the payment processors and ad networks won’t be able to fine-tune their response so that only the allegedly infringing portion of your site is affected, which means your whole site will be under assault. And, it makes no difference that no judge has found you guilty of anything or that the DMCA safe harbors would shelter your conduct if the matter ever went to court. Indeed, services that have been specifically found legal, like Rapidshare, could be economically strangled via SOPA. You can file a counter-notice, but you’ve only got 5 days to do it (good luck getting solid legal advice in time) and the payment processors and ad networks have no obligation to respect it in any event. That’s because there are vigilante provisions that grant them immunity for choking off a site if they have a “reasonable belief” that some portion of the site enables infringement.

At a minimum, this means that any service that hosts user generated content is going to be under enormous pressure to actively monitor and filter that content. That’s a huge burden, and worse for services that are just getting started – the YouTubes of tomorrow that are generating jobs today. And no matter what they do, we’re going to see a flurry of notices anyway – as we’ve learned from the DMCA takedown process, content owners are more than happy to send bogus complaints. What happened to Wikileaks via voluntary censorshipStop the Internet Blacklist Legislation will now be systematized and streamlined – as long as someone, somewhere, thinks they’ve got an IP right that’s being harmed.

Stop the Internet Blacklist Legislation

When I was a little girl I seemed different from most other children to my mother. As a toddler she noticed I would rock back and forth. I also showed other odd behaviors, such as touching a cup with one hand and then repeating the action with the other, or stepping on a crack in the sidewalk and then stepping on it with the other foot. I often threw tantrums for no noticeable reason. As I grew a little older my grandmother began to see a pattern. I wasn't throwing tantrums, she told my mother, I was having panic attacks.

When I entered school I had trouble interacting with th other children. My teacher mentioned to my mother that I seemed to always be dazed, or day dreaming. Sometimes she saw me rearranging books on her book shelf. When she tried to stop me because I wasn't listening to the lesson I threw a fit as if I were in a panic. The teacher did not know what to do with me,  so I was constantly sent to time out, or even taken to an empty classroom with another teacher. It became so bad that ultimately it was suggested that I transfer schools.

It was tough to change schools. My mother never told me I was never going back to my old school, so I never had the chance to say goodbye to the few friends I had made. I was nervous and also angry with my mother. I still don't know why she never told me I was going to another school.

The new school was different. I was taken to a classroom that had students from several different grades all together. The school was also called a center, instead of an elementary school even though it shared buildings with one. There were a lot of toys and pets. Now that I look back on it it looked more like a daycare than a classroom. There were only a few students and three teachers. The lessons were very easy, almost too easy. I remember we had two recesses instead of one, plus lunch. The other children, even the older ones, had panic attacks as well. Every time a child was upset the teachers often carried the children out and we could hear them screaming in another room. Eventually I too was taken to that room.

The room was scary. It was small like a closet and had no furniture. The only way to see into the room was a small window near the top of the door. The teacher took away my shoes and locked me in alone and left me. There was no sound, the only light was a dim glow from the ceiling.  I began to panic badly. I screamed and begged to be let out, slamming my small hands on the door and crying. My cries fell on deaf ears. I remember curling up in the corner of the room and just rocking back and forth with my arms around my knees. After a long time the door was opened. A teacher asked me if I was ready to come out. I was too scared to say anything, so I just nodded my head. It was not the last time I would be locked in that tiny room.

As I moved through the grades I noticed that the classrooms used for the children like me were cut off from the rest of the school and far removed. There was very little interaction with the "normal" children, aside from PE twice a week. We even had to sit together at a lunch table separated from the rest of the children. The kids in the regular classes would rarely talk to us accept to throw taunts. "Retards!" "Freaks!" Those were common words I heard. Now I know that the reason we were kept away was because the school wanted to keep its image up. I will save this realization for another time.

I was in the first or second grade when I had my first fight. It was PE class. I was paired with another little girl who didn't like me. She had always been mean to me and the other kids in my class. I can't remember the game, but I remember working just fine with her until she began to talk to me. I remember her saying something a long the line of "My mom says kids get like you because their moms and dads do drugs." I only remember yelling that my parents never did anything and jumping on the girl and pulling her hair and hitting her face. I was sent to the small room again, the teachers did not care that the girl said mean things to me.

After the fight I met my school's psychiatrist. He was very nice and listened to my side of the story, unlike the teachers. I know now that he knew the other children treated me badly and told me it was because I was different. But, he said it wasn't a bad thing. "Everyone is different." He said to me. I felt a lot better. He was one of the only psychiatrists I ever liked.

In the third grade my mother started taking me to doctors and psychiatrists outside of my school. The kids in my neighborhood began to take notice of the strange adults in suits visiting my home. They also noticed I always took a different bus from them. Soon even at home I did not have a break from the insults. "Crazy" was added to the list. At age nine I began to think that I should not have been born. When I told one of the doctors that thought he began talking to my mother without me. I remember my mother vented out on my grandmother. I remember her saying "I never once abused her, why would they ask me that?"

My younger brothers began to be bullied around the neighborhood not long after the kids began insulting me. I remember one of them, the one who was only a year younger than me, getting hit with a baseball bat. Once one of the kids even dropped flamming paper on him from a tree. To this day I still remember the burn marks on his shoulder. I asked the boy why he hurt my brother. He said because since I was a retard and I was my brother's older sister he must be one too. I felt guilty. I still feel a little pain from it. It was not the only time my brother had to take the fall for me. Over the years he was hit a lot, even once while shielding me from rocks. I still don't know why he always protected me, even though I was the older one and should have been the one protecting him.

Years passed and soon I entered middle school. My family's lives were uprooted when my grandmother kicked my mother, my brothers, and I from our home. My mother decided it was time to leave the D.C. area altogether and so we took a train to Iowa with some help from my mother's extended family. It was the beginning of the worst years of my life.

The new school was more clueless as to how to deal with Special Ed children. I was only twelve years old at the time, but I was old enough to know that the entire situation was wrong. The Special Education program put children with physical impairments, emotional issues, and mental disabilities all together. Instead of focusing on the issues that needed to be fixed they simply told us we were not smart like everyone else and needed to have easier work. Sure, we had regular classes along side the Special Education one, but the fact was that most of the teachers just wanted to get the work done as quickly as possible. It was more like being babysat. The children with mental disabilities were all but ignored and left alone in one corner of the room all day.

I knew the situation was wrong. One day I had enough and threw down a textbook during a test. I was angry because we were aloud to cheat and read the answers out of the book while the rest of the students were not allowed to. I told the teacher I was sick of being treated like I was too stupid to be able to take an easy history test. I remember yelling as loudly and clearly as I could: "I am not dumb! It's unfair to the rest of the class that I get to go to a separate room and cheat on my test when they have to study. I'm not doing it anymore." I walked out of the class, and due to that I received detention. I did not care.

But, there was one teacher who took notice of my actions and singled me out in the hallway one day. She was to become one of my favorite teachers. She understood and asked me if I would except tutoring instead. I was glad. Because of her I was able to learn instead of just passing through school day in and day out.

Over the next two years my home life became a mess. My youngest brother began to steal things from me and some of his friends, my other brother started getting into fights at school and around town. My mother...just disappeared into her own world. I was left alone to deal with my issues on my own. I spent many of my days just reading or staring out the window in my room. In a small town where you are the outsider while everyone else and their grandparents had lived there for generations is hard. I felt alone.

Soon after my freshman year we moved again. We moved to another small town in Iowa, although it was slightly bigger. The Special Education program was slightly better, but still not the greatest. I made a few friends and even developed a crush one one of them. But my heart was broken like most young girls. It was a couple years of growing pains. Life still felt empty for me though. I noticed there were more suicides than normal for such a small town. One year there was four. I myself began to feel like ending my own life. My home life was a mess, I had only a few friends, I was still teased badly, and my grades were terrible. Even my physical health was suffering. There was no one I could confide in aside from one social worker who would visit from time to time to check on my mental state. For a good few months I was living as a hermit.
Finally, after years of trouble, I got my diagnosis. It took an entire day at the hospital and several tests and evaluations collected over several months. I was finally able to know why I had such a tough time in school and at home. It turned out that I suffered from anxiety, specifically OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder, along with mild ADHD. I think my mother was more relieved than I was.

Over the next few years things changed for the better. I decided to move into my father's home in Georgia. I was in need of a fresh start. I started at a knew school that paid better attention to my issues and treated me no differently from the other students, which surprisingly lead to more healing that one would expect. My grades became some of the highest in my class. The only downfall was that because I had been out of school for almost six months I was held back a year. I was the same age as a lot of the student in the grade behind me so I wasn't bothered too much by it. I was even able to take an advanced placement class, with help my self esteem more than you would think. I was able to graduate without much issue.
01 September 2010 @ 08:56 pm
I had saved up my money for over a month after purchasing the concert tickets. I was excited to finally be able to see Dir en grey when I awoke at 4:30am on Monday. I rushed out and drove by my friend's house to pick him up and w]then dropped my car of at work (I was given permission to leave it there over night). Then my coworker dropped us off at the bus station and within the next few hours we were riding a subway in Atlanta. The subway was a little tricky at first. An attendant helped us purchase tickets, but failed to tell me I would get nothing bus one dollar coins as change when I put a twenty in the machine. So I was jingling there for awhile. XD

When My friend and I reached our stop I was unsure where to go. We wondered around for a minute and finally found West Peachtree Street. Unfortunately I had no idea where on that street the venue was. We were about to take off in the wrong direction when I noticed a girl with a black shirt with lace trim around the collar who looked a little punkish. I was about to not ask her, because I didn't want to offend her if I assumed she was going to the venue based on how she looked. I gathered my courage and called out to her. Funny thing is, she was thinking the same thing about us as I was of her. lol She helped us find the venue.

During the time we spent waiting for the light to change at the intersection across the street from the theater we spotted Dir en grey's tour bus and their staff. I took a couple pictures of the bus and continued talking to the girl we just met. I happened to glance back at the bus and saw none other than Shinya walking from the bus to the venue with staff. I was like "Is that...? Hey, that's Shinya!" as I nudged my friend in the side. We didn't call out to him. No one else outside the venue had seen him and I thought it was a good idea not to yell, because it would draw attention Shinya probably didn't want at that moment.

We got in line after finding the end and sat down. I had asked the girl where the nearest Starbuck's was because I saw a bunch of other people there with cups and I had not had my caffeine fix for the day yet.  I also found out that it was the nearest bathroom and three blocks away. I told my friend to hold my spot and left to get us some frappuccinos. I chit chatted with the barista who was at the register for awhile and she had thought that there was a concert because she saw a lot of "hot topic looking people". lol

I got lost for a little while while carrying the frappuccinos back to Centerstage. A very polite office lady helped me find the street again and I was on my way. While crossing the cross walk I happened to pass George/Jouji, Shinya's drum tech. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I was so distracted that I was nearly hit by a car and yelled "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" to the person inside.

I got back and sat with my friend. The next several hours were spent trading places to use the restroom or get food and talking to other fans in line. I met some great people with an awesome sense of humor. We even friended each other on Facebook. We also laughed at the people walking and driving by because they kept staring at us. One person in an RV even filmed us. lol There were also people idiotic enough to slam on their brakes just to look. I yell " HI!" to one guy and he looked back and everyone in line cracked up.

The concertCollapse )

All in all, the concert was amazing. Three great bands, one of whom is my absolute favorite band ever, what more could I ask for? I was exhausted and stayed up the whole night before taking the subway back to the bus station and going home. I posted a little online after having a much needed shower and took a nap. I had slept the whole way on the bus, but it was not enough. Today, as I post this, my body still aches. But, I feel satisfied. The pain was worth the experience and the memories I gained.

I am so...content.
My mood: calmcalm
Listening to: "Reiketsu Nariseba" - Dir en grey
26 July 2010 @ 10:09 pm

This is the second update in a day.That's rare for me. lol

While at the bookstore I heard a loud crack of thunder and decided it was a good idea to leave before traffic became a nightmare. People in this city don't really seem to know how to drive when the roads are wet, forgeting all traffic laws and signs in the process and cutting each other off left and right. It took almost twenty minutes just to drive one mile.

I needed groceries, so I headed to a store near my home. While driving I was passing through areas where it wasn't raining at all, to areas where it was raining so hard I had my windshield wipers on high and could still hardly see. I'm glad they have reflectors to catch the light on the double yellow lines. ^^; I made it to the store and was lucky enough to walk into the building just as the rain I had out driven caught up with me and began it's torrential down pour as if it was Noah's Ark all over again. Thunder was booming so loudly that the floor vibrated. The store's power even went out for a few minutes.

When I finished I tried to push my cart toward my car, no on seemed to be yielding to padestrians. It was pouring and I was livid. I was soaked almost to the skin because someone wanted to leave because it was raining (and not on them, mind you, ON ME). Luckily when I made it home the rain had stopped fo a few minutes. I had to run through the front door quickly because there is an active wasp's nest right next to it. I'm allergic to their stings, so I would rather not disturb them.

I have spent the rest of my evening leisurely surfing the net, mostly catching up on Dir en grey. I even had a nice nap and feel quite refreshed. All in all, even with the idiot drivers, today was not a bad day. I am not really looking forward to my closing shift at work tomorrow. I still enjoy the fact it will allow me to sleep in though, since my internal clock usually seems to run a little differently from everyone else's.

My mood: mellowmellow
Listening to: "Neo Visualism" - Miyavi
26 July 2010 @ 11:51 am
Okay, enough pirate speak for the moment. lol

Today is the first day off I've had in a week. It feels great. I'm here relaxing at the local bookstore in the mall. I'm also SO taking advantage of the free wifi. Love~~ I have some errands to run later. I need groceries. I'm going to pick up some delicious creamer Delight has called Vanilla Latte. I had it in a cup of Sumatran coffe a few times and was HOOKED. Right now though I am sipping on a cup of Hot Cinnamon Spice tea. I also had a tiramisu parfait, which was amazing.

Yesterday I was playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and was so out of it I became frustrated just trying to tranquilize Olga (that sounds so bad...). I ended up turning the game off in the process since I had saved just before the fight. I was too tired to focus I guess. I get her next time! XD

Can you tell I am in a good mood today?
My mood: chipperchipper
Listening to: Some opera playing on the store's speakers.
22 July 2010 @ 10:19 am
What summer concert would you love to watch from the front row?

It's the first time I've answered one of these. I figured I would. On Monday I bought three tickets for a Dir en grey concert in Atlanta. The concert is going to be at the end of August. I would love to be close to the stage. But, since my friends and I are from out of town and may only be able to afford one night in a hotel (which would be after the concert since it will end late at night) we will probably not be able to get amazingly close. People line up HOURS before the concert starts. Still, according to people online we could push out way close to the stage. It would be so cool since I always missed Dir en grey when they came. I am looking forward to seeing my favorite band.
My mood: awakeawake
Listening to: "Hageshisa to, -the res won't fit!-" - Dir en grey
06 July 2010 @ 07:36 pm
Thanks to finally buying a new laptop and having an internet ait card I have returned. My new laptop is a Toshiba Helios. It's purple. X3 It's gorgeous.

It was insanely hot today. Not looming apocalypse hot like the same time last year, but it was HUMID. After work I was forced to walk home after dropping my car off at the shop for new brakes.

Just before dropping my car off I ran a quick errand. I stopped by a drug store to pick up some ebsom salt to soak my hand in. My left middle finger is swelling up around the base and right side of the nail and is extremely tender. I'm hoping it's not infected at the moment. Yay expensive doctor's visit~

While at the drug store I grabbed some propel grape flavored water. It was a help during my walk in the heat, but why do flavored waters always have to have a tart taste? It made my even more thirsty after I finished the bottle.

Beat the heat everybody!
My mood: lazylazy
Listening to: "I'll Kill You" - X Japan